Observed Behaviors of the Male Ape
by snappleducated
Summary: OR, that time Haru wooed his girlfriend like a smooth, smooth criminal. (The road to second base is a long one.) — Shizuku/Haru


**ENTITLED**: Observed Behaviors of the Male Ape  
**FANDOM**: Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun  
**LENGTH**: 1,700 words  
**SETTING**: Senior year!  
**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own this series. I do not own these characters. I do not posses any level of maturity or rational thought. _I hope you're happy_.  
**NOTES**: You have no idea how nervous I am right now. I feel like I HAVE to at least give Haru/Shizuku a _shot_ before I leave the fandom. If I think about this at all, I will talk myself out of it. Oh man. This is going to be such a disaster, please have mercy.  
**SUMMARY**: OR, that time Haru wooed his girlfriend like a smooth, smooth criminal. (The road to second base is a long one.) — Shizuku/Haru

* * *

One day, during lunchtime with his girlfriend and brooding over the view offered from his school roof, Haru decided that the mood was right or at least, that he wasn't keen on waiting any longer. "I've been watching a lot of movies and also thinking and basically I've decided, I love you a lot and all, but it's kind of weird that we've never even gotten to second base."

Something in Shizuku's face froze. Haru took this as a good sign. At least she wasn't shouting at him.

"So basically," he continued, "I really can't think of a reason for why we should wait any longer! Let's face it. We can both only get older. And as a man, I must tell you, young boobs are more popular than old boobs."

Shizuku had begun to tremble slightly. Haru wasn't sure if this meant she was shy, or cold. He had never seen Shizuku act particularly shy, and so could only conclude that it was the later. He draped his jacket over her shoulders.

"I'm not saying you owe me or anything. But! Think about it. I'm sure it would be lots of fun."

"Are you out of your mind?" Shizuku whispered, with a deadly fury that Haru interpreted as embarrassment. He could have slapped himself. His Shizuku was still a delicate, sweet thing!

He crouched slightly so that their eye level was perfectly aligned and told her, with absolute sincerity, "If you're worried because…well, you know, because you're flat—I want you to know, it doesn't matter to me. Honestly, I'm more of a leg guy."

He smiled.

Shizuku punched him harder than he would have thought possible. As Haru looked up from his new, prone position, he had to admit he was kind of impressed. That was a lot of power for such a small person.

"I don't want to talk to you for the next several days," Shizuku said, her voice icy. She was massaging her already bruised knuckles, but subtly. Haru wondered if she was too angry to feel the pain, or if she just didn't want to admit that it hurt in front of him.

"Why are you so angry?" Haru yelped, as he scrambled to his feet. "It's a _normal thing_! We've been dating for _two years_!"

"I just said I don't want to talk to you," Shizuku snarled, and stomped quickly back into the school. Haru cursed. He stared moodily out across the city for several minutes before the door swung open with an obnoxious squeal, and Sasayan meandered over, grinning.

"Thought I'd come up and see if you were still here. What'd you do to make her look so angry?"

"Nothing!" Haru squawked, and then reconsidered. Sasayan was, after all, his fellow man, and could therefore most likely be trusted. Obliging and sensitive to the changing moods of those around him, Sasayan took his cue to sit down beside Haru.

"So?"

"I told Shizuku I wanted to see her boobs." He reconsidered. "Or just…wanted…them. Generally."

Sasayan covered his face with both hands, and giggled helplessly.

* * *

"_How could you_," Natsume demanded, not an hour later. Haru moaned, and looked at Sasayan accusingly.

"You told _her_?"

"He tells me everything," Natsume hissed, and then slammed a hand down on Haru's desk. "My Mitty is _pure_!"

"Sorry," Sasayan muttered.

Haru growled, "Would everyone get off my case? Do you all regularly forget that I am a normal teenage boy?"

"Don't joke," Natsume said immediately. "You're a weirdo."

"If you're all quite finished," Shizuku snapped from the back of the classroom, and there was instant silence.

* * *

Shizuku announced that she was staying behind to study in the library rather than heading straight home, and she said so in a manner than meant Haru's presence would absolutely not be tolerated so-don't-even-think-about-it!

There was nothing else for it, then.

"Flowers!" Natsume squealed, while Haru loaded up as many roses as he could comfortably carry—about five dozen. "So romantic!"

"He's doing it for all the wrong reasons," Sasayan commented, watching Haru sneeze blossoms with a lazy smile.

Natsume obviously didn't listen to a word that was being said to her. She turned and swatted at Sasayan. "You never bought me flowers!"

"That's because you keep me at bay. In agony." Sasayan said mildly, and tried to decide if it was more interesting to watch Natsume's flustered protests, or Haru's spontaneous development of allergies.

* * *

"Nice try," Shizuku said, and she stepped over both Haru, and the small flower garden he had left around her doorstep.

* * *

"It's two in the morning," Sasayan said when he picked up the phone.

"I can't sleep," Haru replied.

"Clearly, neither can I."

"I don't know what to do. The flowers didn't work."

There was a long, static sigh. "I don't know, does it really look like I'm doing so great myself?"

"That's not your fault, Natsume's an emotional idiot."

"Hey," Sasayan protested, and then made a sort-of conceding noise.

"Plus," Haru continued, sensing perhaps, that romantic encouragement was a two-way street, "Everyone knows it's going to happen, and when it does, it'll be like this frustrated explosion and everything's going to go down."

"Sure." Sasayan did not sound convinced. But whether or not Haru had succeeded at all in rousing him, he managed to say, "You are right about it being normal. But girls don't—_people_ don't like it when you talk about them like they're, like they're math equations, or something. You can't talk to them like there's a formula."

"Damn," Haru muttered.

"Do you love her?"

"Of course!"

"Probably your best shot," Sasayan said. Just before he hung up, he muttered, "I can't believe I just said that. That sounded awful. Natsume would kill me."

* * *

The next day, Haru got to school early, and sat on Shizuku's desk until she came in. There was absolutely no way for her to avoid him. She sent him her nastiest stare.

"I love you," he announced, with real sincerity that was only partially motivated by more base objectives.

"Get off my desk," Shizuku hissed, so viciously that Haru felt, for a moment, legitimately frightened. He got off her desk, but rallied.

"Why don't you love me?" Haru demanded, "You're awful. You cold witch!"

The look that the cold witch proceeded to bestow upon him was not a degree above freezing.

"I'm sorry," Haru whined. He was, in all seriousness, very sorry. He climbed to the floor and pawed at Shizuku's leg in the hopes that this act of submission would appease her.

"What the hell are you doing?" Shizuku muttered. She did not look up from her textbook. Haru was certain this was more for show than because she was actually able to ignore him and continue absorbing information with any degree of success. "You look ridiculous and you're making your trousers dirty. Stop it. You're embarrassing me."

From across the room, Natsume shot him a pitying look. She was, as ever, his comrade in Cold War Shizuku.

"You're not a cold witch, you're just misunderstood," Haru told Shizuku's knee, which was soft and fit well against his cheek. Every so often, Shizuku would attempt to wrench her limb to freedom, but he had long since grown skilled at ignoring this reluctance on her part.

"You can stay there so long as you keep quiet," Shizuku said finally, and added, "And don't look up my skirt."

"I already checked, your underwear cover too much."

Shizuku's pencil snapped in half. Thoughtful as ever, Haru lent her one from behind his ear.

* * *

"I think she's a monster."

Sasayan yawned. "Your effort was good but your timing was all wrong."

Haru supposed this was a valid point. He could hardly expect Shizuku to stop what she was doing and rip her shirt off in the middle of homeroom. She was high-maintenance like that.

"Still," Sasayan continued, "I'm kind of impressed. I didn't know she was so strong."

Haru touched his still-swollen cheek, and grimaced. More than anything, the sheer loudness of the slap Shizuku had landed on him was what had hurt him.

"I can't believe she hit me."

"Really?"

Haru ignored this. "You're supposed to be helping me but I don't think you're actually doing a good job at all."

"Fact." Sasayan said, "You can't make a girl do anything. Honestly, if you just ignore it for a little bit, things will probably work out."

Haru copied down this piece of advice into his advanced warfare tactics notebook.

* * *

The next day, after school, Haru left Shizuku alone. He gathered up his things, swapped out his shoes, and went home alone. The next day was much the same. On the third, Shizuku called to him from across the classroom.

"Wait. I'll walk with you."

Haru leaned against the wall as he waited for her to finish packing up. Sasayan caught his eye. They exchanged the subtlest pair of thumbs-up ever known to mankind.

On the fourth day, they went out for ice cream.

Over the weekend, she invited him over to watch a movie. Seven kisses were exchanged. And then it happened.

* * *

"You gotta stop this," Sasayan groaned, on late night call number three. Haru ignored him.

"I just wanted to let you know, since you've been so involved in the project thus far, that I am victorious."

"Who's _calling_ you?" moaned Natsume's voice in the background.

Sasayan made a few, frantic shushing noises, and then whispered to Haru, "So you were kind of right? Please don't tell my mom, or she's never going to leave me home alone again."

"Oh, you piece of shit." Haru said, with enormous jealousy, and hung up.


End file.
